From a Mother's Heart
I can remember as a young child playing “house” with my sisters. I always wanted to be the “Mommy”. As I grew older, my desire to be a wife and mother became stronger.This desire was fulfilled when God sent me a wonderful husband and blessed us with children. Little did I know what motherhood entailed. I soon realized that there was no manual to explain all that I needed to know as a mother. I needed to rely on my faith, Jesus and the Bible. My relationship with Christ helped create my “mother heart.” And Jesus did just that. He prepared my heart for something I never thought that I would have to face as a mother. Several years ago, my son shared with my husband and I that he has same-sex attraction, or as our world terms it, homosexual. At first, I thought it was all about me. I cried and thought to myself, “what did I do wrong” ... “What will out family and friends think?” But, it did not take me long to figure out that it definitely WAS NOT about me. My son has the biggest cross to carry. He has suffered for so long. Since he was a young boy, he suffered in silence … we never knew. He knew that he was different but dared not to tell. After he told us, I could see the pain in his eyes. I saw the sadness that never left his body. I saw him hurt himself physically. I saw him cry himself to sleep. You see, he felt unworthy to be loved by God, his family and his friends. I wanted to take the pain away. I wished it were me who was suffering. I wanted to kiss him and make it all go away. But, I couldn’t do it for him this time. He has to figure it out and make his own decisions: his own choice. So, what is a mother to do? I chose to love my son and love him some more. I guided him to priests, counselors and doctors. I gently reminded him of the Truth. I prayed for him and with him. Above all, I TRUST in God’s plan for my son and watched what our God could do for him. (Note: My husband is very compassionate and supportive through this journey, also.)
I will admit it has been a difficult journey but it is getting easier as I rely on God and our Blessed Mother. The Holy Spirit has guided me to friends, counselors, books and websites like Courage Apostolate to help me learn more about homosexuality. I soon realized that I was ignorant. I learned that homosexuality is not a choice. It develops as a child is growing up in various home environments and/or through a traumatic experience. The “choice” becomes how you choose to live your life. This is the struggle. “How can a homosexual fit in a church that teaches that they must live a single and chaste life, when their heart is yearning to raise a family?”
I try to remember that my children do not belong to me. They belong to God and He loves them more than my “mother heart.” Imagine, God’s love is greater than a mother’s love for her own child! God gives us the grace to raise our children so that they can make their own decisions. I don’t have all the answers. Each family’s journey is different. For me, the key was prayer, the Eucharist and Hope as written in Jeremiah 17:7 “Blessed are those who trust in the Lord whose hope is the Lord.”
I believe that God has a great plan for my son and our family as He reminds me in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you …. Plans to prosper your and not to harm you, plans to give you hope in the future.”
I am very thankful for the gift of my son. I am very thankful that God blessed me with a wonderful husband and family that continue to love and guide our son in his “life journey.” Although, my son and I do not always see eye to eye, I continue to pray, TRUST and wait to see how God’s great plan unfolds, knowing that it is a perfect one.