A mother of many children recently asked me how I would go about establishing a plan of regular family dinners and a smooth bedtime routine when none had been established before. I was stumped for a day, because in our home we have always been intentional about routine, family dinners and bedtime. Further, once a habit of disorder is established, it is extremely hard to pull oneself out of the rut. A parent wishing to change a routine must immediately change from not enforcing a routine to following through every time. It requires great fortitude and perseverance, and while one could do it on one’s own, the help of grace can ease the way.
The Need for Change
The novel Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen gives an example of what family life looks like when parents do not exert the effort to have a routine of discipline. The Bennet sisters were raised following their own devices. Fortunately for them, the elder two, Elizabeth and Jane had dispositions more naturally inclined to seek order and virtue in their lives. They saw the disorder in their younger sisters and wished that their parents had done better. A passage from the novel of Elizabeth’s reflections demonstrates the disorder in the family:
In [Elizabeth’s] own past behavior, there was a constant source of vexation and regret; and in the unhappy defects of her family, a subject of yet heavier chagrin. They were hopeless of remedy. Her father, contented with laughing at them, would never exert himself to restrain the wild giddiness of his youngest daughters; and her mother, with manners so far from right herself, was entirely insensible to the evil. Elizabeth had frequently united with Jane in an endeavor to check the imprudence of Catherine and Lydia; but while they were supported by their mother’s indulgence, what chance could there be of improvement?
The unchecked behavior of Lydia leads to a near ruin of the family reputation. In any family that lacks virtue forming routine and discipline, some children will grow up more wild and others will find their way to virtue because of natural inclinations. However, Catholic parents have a duty to raise their children with a foundation and formation towards the path of holiness. We do this not just out of duty, but out of love for our children’s souls. When we discover a disorder in our upbringing of our children, it is time to implement a change. And because the Lord is always offering grace, improvement for us and our families is never hopeless.
Three Things Before You Start
My first suggestion in creating a new family routine, in order to change a whole family dynamic, is to begin with prayer. A novena to the Holy Family would be a good choice. Or one could pray a Novena to Sts. Louis and Zèlie Martin, who raised five daughters who all became holy nuns (including St. Thérèse of Lisieux). Their feast day is coming up on July 12! I have personally seen prayers to both families bear great fruit in marriages and families.
My second suggestion is to get a dinner bell. My grandmother always called her seven children and husband to the dinner table with a loud bell that could be heard throughout their sprawling house. My house is not as large, but my children know that the pleasant ringing of our dinner bell means that I want them in the kitchen. It brings them in from outside in the neighborhood, down in our finished basement, or from their bedrooms. It is a simple, effective way to communicate that I need them all to come without me having to yell for them.
My third suggestion is to impress upon your family from the time the dinner bell rings to when children go to bed is “family” time. I know this is only practical in families without evening activities, but on evenings where there are activities, family time begins as soon as everyone is home. And if only some children are away, stick with the routine for those at home. This means children may not leave the table until everyone is finished eating. This means there is no more playtime after dinner. This means that everyone stays together through the cleaning of the kitchen, to getting ready for bed, to bedtime prayer, and a bedtime story (which I highly recommend even for children who can read on their own).